Red Bicsuit

A couple days ago I described a dining experience at a Red Lobster. Those opposed to chain, casual dining may be appalled at the very idea of going there. Why would I, a fan of Food Network go there?

The biscuits.

Their cheesey, garlicy biscuits are warm and crumbly and fill with some mad scientist's updated version of heroin. They feel good and they taste event better. I could go there and just eat bowl after bowl of this dense, yet fluffy goodness.

They should just drain the lobster tank, and send back the shrimp. They don't need any of that stuff. Just the biscuits.

You know what's even better? The biscuits are FREE! Well, not quite, but they come with your meal. You get an unlimited number of these golden nuggets of taste.

When my entree does come, I try to pace myself. I don't want to fill up on linguine or scampi when there are biscuits begging to be consumed.

At Red Lobster it's all about the biscuits for me. They can skip the seafood.

Well, maybe not entirely the biscuit. It's 90% about the biscuit, 9% about the Caesar Salad (surprisingly awesome) and 1% about the shrimp.

I'd say you could skip the meat and just gorge on biscuits and salad and call it a vegetarian meal, but I don't know what they put in those biscuits. They may have made them using unicorn stock or something similar. Or pork fat, which we know makes everything better. When I encounter something that tastes really good, I just assume pork fat is involved in some way.

They should just do what their sister chain Olive Garden does (both companies are owned by Darden Foods) who offers a Soup, Salads, and Breadsticks option on its menu. Red Lobster should just have an option on the dinner menu for unlimited biscuits, Caesar Salad, and chowder.

Okay, I don't really care about chowder. The line just felt like it needed a third item.

I'd been thinking of going to Red Lobster for about a week. Then I read this discussion thread on Fark. And I had to have my biscuits.

The discussion stared with an article comparing the likely diets and hunting styles of Neanderthals and Homo sapiens. It quickly transitioned into a discussion on the nature of species interbreeding, some commentary on creationism, early human habitat, casual dining, and, of course, biscuits.

I sometimes wonder why I read Fark. It can be a huge time sink. But then I see a bizarre threads like this one. Yes, much of the material is juvenile. And much of it will offend many people for any number of reasons. But there are some intelligent posts in the discussion threads. I sometimes learn things.

And there are moments of pure brilliance, like this one:

Shostie:
It's pretty easy to make a decent approximation of those biscuits yourself, you know. It's just baking mix with some cheese mixed in and brushed with a mixture of melted butter and garlic powder.

Pocket Ninja:
Yes, but making them at home just isn't the same. At Red Lobster, you can chew the doughy goodness and close your eyes and almost hear, in the back of your mind, the distant clang of the lighthouse bell and low moan of the trawler's foghorn. Then you can cross the parking lot and go into the Olive Garden and finish off the experience with a lovely Rocca delle Macie Rubizzo. At home, you're just stuck with a doughy, cheesy mixing bowl and the dusty echoes of your lone footsteps pacing through the kitchen.

So there we go -- a post with four things I like.

• Red Lobster Biscuits.
• Red Lobster Caesar Salad.
• Olive Garden Breadsticks.
• Fark.